2 May 2014


The stairs... the damn stairs... I was on the damn stairs again and able to see the balcony that they were supposed to lead to and also the curve of the flight of stairs as they headed towards it, but then inexplicably those stairs did not take me to the balcony when I climbed them, but they led to a different balcony from which another flight of stairs at right angles was my only option then open to me. So I checked that option out, and sure enough it seemed lead to where I wanted to go, until I began to take that route, at which point, inexplicably, everything seemed to have changed and once again the balcony I was trying to reach was inaccessible. So near. Right beside me, but unattainable.

So I retraced my route all the way down again and looked up to examine the problem, and the solution seemed clear from down there. So I tried again, but again without success.

And this time, as sometimes happens when I am on these stairs, for I have been on them many times, I began to wonder if I was dreaming, and as sometimes happens in the most lucid versions of these encounters with the stairs I found the presence of mind to look down to try to find my feet, because funnily enough I can never see my feet when I am dreaming, and sometimes I know this even in the middle of a dream.

And this time, when I looked down, no feet were there, but just a grey merging of trouser into stair stone, and so I thought, 'Ah... I am dreaming,' but rather alarmingly I could not wake myself up and so I began to panic, being convinced that I was dreaming and yet being unable to wake myself up. That is a terrifying feeling, I find, for it has happened before. And so I panicked some more...

Until I wakened, sweating.

And now, typing this, it has just occurred to me to check for my feet, and yes, my feet are there. I have just shifted my leg out from under the bedclothes to confirm.

My feet are there so I can't be dreaming.

This must be real and that must truly be my slim and lovely lady who is leaning against a pillow reading a book called "Never Saw It Coming" by my side.

This must be reality, mustn't it?

But I don't feel sure...

And what other bits of me may currently be missing, like my feet in those other dreams, in this current dream?

If it is a dream.

I just do not feel sure.


Elephant's Child said...

Reminiscent of a wonderful Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. Calvin is wondering whether his reflection in a puddle is 'realer' than him. And which one will disappear when he steps away. And remains glued to the puddle, unable to take that step...

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

Ha ha. I will try to find that cartoon, thanks.