29 January 2014

Whatever I am

If I shut one eye and look inwards and sideways with the other one I can see the front side of my nose and the arch of a lower eyebrow curving away to the right, and if I shut that eye and look through the opposite one I can see the other side of my nose and other eyebrow curving away up to the left, although it is not my nose really, nor my lower eyebrows, because I am just a mind trapped behind and inside of these external things that are not really a part of me. I, the real me, am a mind trapped inside a head, a prisoner in a skull, and with no proper understanding of what I really am, although an electrochemical creation of moving particles within a network of nerves might cover it, apparently, without revealing anything, really.

I have control over the movement of arms and hands and so a moment ago I was gently slapping at the sides of the head that contains me. Some people began looking at me as I wrote that. Other minds swivelling their electrochemically linked eyes to observe me, because slapping the sides of my head is not a very appropriate thing to do while sitting alone in a coffee shop with a large latte on the table in front of me... thinking the thoughts from inside this head, this damned big bony head, that I am trapped inside. Dammit. Sometimes I want out...

But anyway I am thinking a regular thought again, about the possible illusion of continuity that a consciousness creates each morning, on awakening, when in reality it is perhaps a completely new awakening into awareness, albeit one provided with unreliable memories of previous awakenings, such that each day is really a new life. And many of these these unique moments of conscious awareness I am remembering are of previous days experienced by people who I may naively claim to also have been me. I am currently recalling yet again an image burned into my mind from, I calculate, the summer of 1956 - the second summer of my existence. I now know it was a time of unusual heat and I must have been lying on my back in the pram, because in my memory I can still see the pebble-dash wall rising high above me, although I didn't know what it was back then. The dark pram canopy, half obscuring my view. The deep blue fifties sky high above, and me lying there looking up and wordlessly thinking 'What the heck is this then?'

If only I had known... Even though I still have no idea, of course.

But... Here I am still moving on, still absorbing new memories, still thinking, for a while at least.

To begin again, possibly, tomorrow morning, whatever I am.

9 comments:

susan said...

Nicely put.

Claude said...

Sometimes, I wish I could get out too. But i'm afraid of where I would wind up. So I stay quietly where I am, and I try to make friend with my skull. Not always easy....

Syncopated Eyeball said...

Have you read The Power of Now, Andrew?

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

Thanks for the comments. No, I haven't read that one Ashley.

Syncopated Eyeball said...

Have you heard if it? It's a kind of spiritual book but no mention of god. By Ekhart Tolle. And I've probably misspelt his name.

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

Yes, I've heard of it, and have read various similar things about living in the moment, etc., all of which I generally agree with and find very helpful.

Sean Jeating said...

Fully aware of risking to get accused of being hostile,insulting, spiteful: Ulrich (sic) Tolle is an idiot; obviously, a very clever idiot, though. Making lots of money with the gullibility (= stupidity) of gullible people.

Andrew MacLaren-Scott said...

Hah... Dear Sean, sadly my idiocy is not nearly so profitable.

Sean Jeating said...

:) . . . nor is mine, Andrew; nor is mine.