16 May 2013

Ted's Turn


Yeah that's right. It's Ted's turn now, and I may not look too happy here but there's a reason for that. Fifty damn years squashed up against Larry the Lamb in an old shoebox in an attic... that's the reason for that. Anyway, thank goodness that the miserable murdering owl has gone now, and so, at the request of Lovely Ashley with the Syncopated Eyeball, who suggested I should be seen on this cushion of moss, I have been retrieved from my enforced retirement to lighten things up around here for a while. And thanks for that kind request Ashley, it has been no easy ride through the years of uncaring abandonment, I assure you. But please tell Andrew (What's with this "Don QuiScottie" nonsense by the way? He always was an idiot) ... anyway, please tell Andrew that I do not need milk poured into my squashy mouth nor crumbly scratchy digestive biscuits poked at it either. I never did! I always hated how he did that every damn day. I am a fucking Teddy Bear for goodness sake! What could he never understand about that? No food or drink required you imbecile! Oh... sorry, I've been waiting years to get that out, ever since Andrew abandoned me and started sleeping with Jynxy the real pussy cat instead. The bastard. And now I hear that he has been sleeping with a woman good heavens! Not a fake furry one but a real woman with warm blood and soft smooth womanish bits! I never thought the pathetic fool had it in him to get a real woman. I always thought it would just be Teddy Bears and cuddly soft toys for life for him. And he got her pregnant too, I hear. Twice! How? ... Ah, she must have showed him what to do, I suppose... The useless b...

Anyway... To Hell with all that "Harsh Reality" nonsense that the murdering owl and demented Don come out with... It will just be cuddly fluffy pretendy nice world stuff so long as I'm in charge here. And although I do not need milk and biscuits I would welcome some wild woman blowing a bit of cannabis smoke over me, actually. Nothing like a stoned Teddy Bear to bring a bit of sense and equilibrium back into your world.

And look at this... He seems to think a trip to the woods and a matey arm around my shoulders will be enough for us to be all chummy again, after fifty damn years!


The heartless bastard. It will take more than that to repair the hurt, mate.

19 comments:

Sean Jeating said...

Oh, oh, my valiant Don, this smile – scientific name: Furor windmlillensis – outshines all colons and right parenthesises that have ever been typed. It makes you invincible.

And Ted's lucky you're already 13, isn't he? With four or five, you'd have stuffed his gob, twisted his arms, and he'd lost lots of wood wool, no? :)

CherryPie said...

I see your promised smile :-)

Poor old Ted looks very sad in comparison...

Ted said...

My bleedin' face has been squashed up against Larry the Lamb's arse for 50 years Cherie. It will take a while to get my smile back after that.

Ted said...

You sound a dangerous man Mr. Jeating. Take care or I may set an Eagle Owl upon you.

Ted said...

And you know what? He made his woman (a very nice lady by the way... I think he must be paying her)... anyway, he made his woman come with us and carry me into the woods because he said to her, "If anyone sees me alone in the woods sitting a Teddy Bear up on a tree stump and taking pictures of it they'll call the police." A spineless coward, just as he was aged six when I had to protect him against the alligator he thought lived under his bed.

CherryPie said...

Dear Ted I think you are being a little harsh. Very ungentlemanly behaviour for Bear of you calber...

Ted said...

Well the evening just got better Cherie so my mood is improving. The Don's woman has just introduced me to a rather nice dolly of hers that has been found languishing in a neighbouring box. Lovely long blonde hair, long legs, slim waist... Ding... Dong... and Well Hello... All those years... so near to each other and yet so out of reach. But now... the night is still young in the fairy castle of QuiScottie :)

Sean Jeating said...

Ah, Sir Ted, neither am I a dangerous man, nor have I been a cruel child. I used to do what Koli, Purzel, Flori, Jamesy and Quakie asked me to do.
I rather imagined that you can easier risk a big mouth nowadays than 50 years ago.
. . . oh, a crocodile?! I see. Interesting. I'd have thought the little Don would have already fought windmills and smileys by letting Larry the Lamb attack backwards.

CherryPie said...

Well dear Ted I expect to see a smile from you tomorrow ;-)

Ted said...

Mr Sean... Little Don was an idiot and a fool, but he was not mad. However... I have been observing this Big Don all day now and I have to say, well, I do think I hear a cuckoo singing in the cuckoo-berry tree, if you can get my meaning.

Claude said...

What I'm hearing sounds a bit unreal. Owl and Bear talking and threatening people, and speaking ill of Andrew? I believe I'm losing my mind.Time for me to give up visiting. I'm probably suffering from Alzheimer.

Be well, all of you. It's been fun and interesting.

Sean Jeating said...

Ah, the Helmet of Perthino. Careful, Sir Ted, careful. If he says it is a helmet I suggest you should agree. :)

Ted said...

I have heard of Al Zheimer, Missy Claude. His full name was Herr Allan Zheimer, and he was a very famous German teddy bear. But history does get things very muddled up

As for Andrew... he and his woman have spent the last hour playing nicely together with soft cuddly toys and dollies. It seems that a veritable Noah's Ark has been discovered in the attic. The two humans have regressed back to childhood it seems, and that looks like a fine state for them to be in. i would not expect any serious words here for a while, if ever. A rabbit called Big Rab, who has very long legs, is currently trying to walk along the sofa towards Smelly Nelly, who appears to be a baby elephant. Has that cannabis I ordered arrived already?

CherryPie said...

Has that cannabis I ordered arrived already?

One can never be sure when you have entered the realms of the Teds (and their friends!)

Be careful out there...

Ted said...

And Missy Ashley of the Syncopated Eyeball, who caused all this, has not yet arrived at the party. Things may have got rather rather out of hand by the time she arrives. Big Rab is trying to do what rabbits do, and Smelly Nelly seems quite happy with that. There is also a snake in here called Snakey, a bird called Birdy, a hedgehog called Hedgey and much much more besides. A bit more imagination with names might have been better.

Elephant's Child said...

Welcome Ted - and I am very glad to read that you are a bear with fire in your belly (metaphorically speaking of course). I will not however let 'Dirty Uncle Teddy', 'Panda' or 'Pink Puppy' read what you have to say. They are infinitely more malleable, and I would prefer they stay that way.

Syncopated Eyeball said...

Yay! He's lovely! And you're smiling a smile that doesn't look like it hurts!
Ashley of the Syncopated Eyeball has next to no internet credit on her phone and she did something very stupid with her portable WiFi. She hopes to return to bloggyland on Monday.

Don QuiScottie said...

Glad you like him Ashley. May the credit and "stupid"ity be rectified soon. I find that I can rectify my phone credit easier than my stupidity, but I hope you can fix both soon :)

Ted says "Silly Ashley" (Ah well, at least he's speaking to me again).

daisyfae said...

Hi Ted! You look great for being ummmm.... 'off the grid' ... for so many years!